I love You. I'll Never Question That.

Why did I never have your name?

What is your definition of friendship?

Why didn't you work for the family business?

When I moved near grandma, I walked home everyday in complete fear. Why didn't she get to be with me when I was near?

I am swirling in a vat of two-faced confusion.

Why is it abuse to ask about my life?

How is that not abuse from you?

When I try to express, you immediately scream, shut down and treat me like a knife in your throat. I feel insanity in the energy.

I was told by you that you told my grandfather you'd kill him if he ever touched me with an abusive hand, yet he moved with us? When I ask you with my heart not to speak ill of me to my children, you reply, "You will never tell me what to do or say. I do what I want!" Did your father respond that way to you?

Why did you surprise me with the "spirit" you felt in my room with a psychic without telling me first? Why did you not explain that to me, at 16, before my life was changed forever?

I now am grateful for the connection to the other side. But keeping your sense of that from me until I was walking upstairs to my room with a psychic. That, literally, was a drop-dead blow to the head.

Why can't you believe in me?

I need you to back up.

You are broken, it is okay to admit that. Or, if you think you moved through it all, why not admit that?

Why won't you forgive me?

Why can you not acknowledge this cancer?

Why won't you learn something new?

Why don't you love YOU?

No answers. I can accept that, I don't need em. But, I do not believe I am wrong to wonder.

You are WORTH loving and I am worth not carrying the trauma and pain of those who hurt you most; even though you say they are good in your book.

I am sorry for my curiosity, but these questions are mine.

I have never tortured you.

I am 46. I have incurable cancer. It also comes without an answer.

I don't want to sit in additional trauma, mama.

All that pain is in my eyes, put their from birth.

Why did you leave me locked in hotel rooms while you danced at a bar?

Why was I adopted by a man not allowed in my life?

Why couldn't he parent me?

Why do I not know any of your supposed friendly ex's? Especially my biological father?

Why did you tie your tubes at 25 when you already knew Paul, and, I was told, couldn't have kids? Why did you say Polio made him sterile and now don't?

Why did you not tell me the truth?

How does this seem fair to you?

You said your mother: "Had no right to know about my biological father!" Why?

Why didn't I?

You say because you were so young? You were 22. An adult.

When did you grow up?

Why couldn't I have an example of peace?

Why do you befriend anyone close to me?

Why are you jealous of me?

Why don't I deserve to know things from my childhood?

Why didn't you get help?

Why can't you slow down?

I love you. I do not judge your brokenness. I do not place blame.

Just what the F@#k is my name?