Balls Deep (feat. Deep Throat)

I have been black balled, kicked right out with a clean cut, at least three times this year. G-Eazy would wife it up.

WHAT WAS THAT? Fuck. Black balls come fast, out of nowhere. I got Willy Wonka's golden ticket inviting me to radically change life. You may be jealous at how I sport this cancer sack. I still can taunt flirt with my own jiggly bits, but blue balls only hang from dicks. No, I am not politically correct. I am also not a part of profiting of under the disguise of hashtag exposing wound without healing. Following cancer's path to stick around and make a killing. Politically, there is probably rainbow balls now. Balls with no boundaries. A hashtag reminding us #ALLBALLSMATTER. I smile. It's not meant to offend, I share Slug's wordsmith on this, you are sitting on mixed nuts, no guarantee on the DNA in there. #fuckcancer feels unwelcoming. Thing is cancer, like most that come in my bed, would like to be there for years in these sheets. One night stands get fucked, I took home a personal relationship and I better learn to love that. My best love yet.

I am ready to end, but only paired with begin, again.

Hold up. Lemme get some balls off my court.

(Don't worry, vagina is running the show, and being well taken care of, oddly today the nut is to blame. :)

Whoa. Wouldn’t you know it, ball slap again. Balls disregard asking for pardon.

LIke a dirty head, I am not even mad. Not a bit of seeing red.

I smile at the solid slapping hit out of the blue (yup)..

I am actually grateful for the skill of a black ball to drop, and never look back.

And the little sting is only out of respect. I don’t care what what brought blackness from your nuts. I’ll go. Gratefully. Eyes Wide Open.

Wait.

I have ball gaged myself.

I am seriously feeling uneasy at the number of balls in my mouth.

If you can't see it, it didn't happen. Let it go.

Breath deep. Ahhhhhh.

Let me bring this all together. Just adding some egg to my face.

Into every thought it will creep. Always sparking, this firework can consume me.

Cancer goes ball deep.I want to run.

But, like a wise bull, I am gonna walk on with swagger.

Humbly, like an ice cube, the balls retreat.

I feel the shake of my knees. This dance may be what sets my balls free!

Okay. Okay. Balls in your court.

I will set this firecracker down. Back up a bit. Look with me. I can't understand.

With space, hope reminds me it's strong and healthy. Don't hold the fear and trauma without a view.

You could lose an eye like that. I am finally getting used this view. I am supposed to be here. There is no comfortable seat in a house of defeat, but up here on stage the support is in every view.

Anger can be a great wingman to fear. But don't use it as parachute.

Anger can also take your life.

Fear stares at you in the mirror, time tricks you; you think you are right on time.

There is no way I missed the show. It’s my time to rally, I wasn’t ready to watch the grand finale.

This fall only let me see what matters; everything else can be destroyed. I choose to see matter without judgement, matter is like underground mycelium, supporting every step you take and breath you take. Mother Earth is matter. Defining matter by color or pain is a disgrace to intelligence. Rise above the chatter. Hashtags have business plan, defiling the message. Matter has been disgraced or defiled, it is humanity face that's on the. It really does not matter how you market the word. If I close my eyes and listen to your voice, really listen, probably I will hear ignorance quiver in your voice. Really, does it matter?

My joy does not have any tumors, no sickness, in fact it needs to thrive in this space. My gratefulness has no limit to space, and my heart can break but I can choose to laugh. Laughing is truly priceless medicine. indescribable, and also uniquely unrepeatable exact each time. My smile will always be mine. Matters to me.

Death has always been here too and but you can sit in a holy house and buy that time that doesn't exist. But, who preps for the apocalypse? A lot of people I guess feel God should knock and ask you to rise? Seems preppers are here to wrestle the Devil? Doesn't matter. Will I cower on stage and wait till I look like something you’d understand?

No way, no how. There’s a new journey on stage and everything is new and nothing makes sense, but you can dance. Release questions with the firecrackers and again invite space. There’s a new face on the dressing room door. Yep, supposedly stage 4.The door will not close, it will be living and thriving. It’s digging, learning, loving, exploring. In my life, I won’t succumb to wealth defining my health. The wisdom and science will be best paired with the most skillful cure I have inside.I have seats for worried chatter and voyeuristic self gratitude. All of me is me. Cancer and I have no space for waste. And we will be glowing above your divided matter.

Let’s talk, let’s be real. I want to educate, explore with other warriors who bring a new face level to the sterile space. Cancer does not only exist in the presence of a Dr. visit, it's worse th want to share, plan, network with others that believe a combination of radical life change, mental health and treatments all are a part of healing. Let’s talk more about radical remission and share stories and engage for those that want to, it is a small percentage, yes, but I don’t see it as false hope or a fluke. And I think we all know talking manifests change. Put energy into fulfilling our joy and consciously shifting our health to cancer free living. My oncologist, which took a timeline to accept; gracefully let me down with tears in her eyes flowing next to mine. Her hard work to get St. Charles on the national cancer hospital center, her long list of successful treatments and her unmatched education covered in a never ending passion for life, was taken as a threat and nuisance to the inferior worn out doctors. Bend no longer feels like home, in fact I don’t know if this country is worth my life.

St. Charles sent her on her way with a letter that read, her family chose to move on with an opportunity that the whole family couldn't resist. I had no idea I would hear the ignorance and abuse to one of the most educated and progressive doctors in the nation. With a heavy heart, and a kick while I was down, my diagnosis moved my sense of acceptance to minority. I don't even know how accept racism, greed and complete lack of concern in a town that prides itself as a progressive destination and raw outdoor activities at your door, does not provide a well versed, up to date the power of diversity and education. Have a beer here, don't get sick. I was left like Cliff, in the back of the bus with the shortest straw. An older white woman did not believe a woman from Brazil could be a solid resource to extend her life. Before she new a thing about the amazing patients succeeding just like her, she rudely interrupted her and asked for a 'real doctor' - a white male. I hope her belief in a ball sack keeps her satisfied. My health care just went flacid. I am not a well worn pink ribbon, I am a uniquely worn one of a kind a leather jacket, and I won't be hung in the closet of closed minds.

I was victim of intellectual racism. Ha! How WHITE is that. Funny thing is intellect and education are not part of elevation, lowered expectations keep negative energy in your face. The vice that pulls cover over your pain, it also won't let it out of your bed. You'll never move forward living Groundhog day.I will wake up to presence. My first problem is expensive. My health is a commodity. I can't swallow that nut, it turns my gut.

I will never stop pursuing an inspiring doctors, well recognized, that repeatedly big pharma would rather you didn't seek out. I shared a powerful book about cancer and diet, and a stage 4 woman (thousands more) that became cancer free. My voice was stopped short and didn't want to participate. His experience and skill didn't need anything knew. Sugar is more addictive than cocaine. Yet, it gets a name so sweet and told a spoonful helps the medicine go down...cancer chasing cancer, a first world nation? There are cupcakes and sugar decorating the cancer center. Also first world problems to be consider this a first world situation.

I invited myself to star in an improv lfe. I had no choice but to show up, but medicine would rather I wait. I am medicine for my soul. I participate to end, and begin again.

It will be one hell of a show.

Jerry, I am grateful to take the reigns of this long trip. Throw in a wild jam all over the place. And my journey has only just begun. Let's get up again, and next time, too. The falls and setbacks are proof I am the main player.