I packed this bowl for two (feat. Russ & Roulette)

I was 11 when I first awkwardly thrust a clutch into gear.

I was 15 when my mom showed up at my high school to get my drivers license.

I thought that was weird.

I turned 16 on May 16, 1991.

My mom was there again. Before lunch was over I had my license.

It was just me, music and review mirror. I still love hitting the whip that way.

Shotgun was promised to Nick, we were gonna fly.

I never gave Nick a ride.

Death took shotgun.

Reeking of all things unfair.

This was not the adventure I had in my head.

You are not supposed to be dead.

But, who am I to blow against the wind? I know what I know.

It’s a thing Paul taught me to keep at the back of my head.

My car keys were in my pocket. I remember nothing else of what I wore, who I saw or what I said. Nick wore a Raiders sweatshirt and grey pants six feet under. A graveyard so majestic, I found myself there after school everyday. Shit, it was on the way home. Home defined alone. I had no rush to be there.

Without thinking, I would turn up the hill, and carefully drive through lifetimes.

Ironically, depending on your view, graveyards are a majestical beginning. Death is the means to an Unknown, but it's not the end.

For a while, there was not a decorated stone adorning his grave…just a 4x6 piece of metal that only had room for his name. It played hide-n-seek with me daily. I would cautiously walk where I think I would find you….never really knowing, even though I started doing it daily. Each time, I wlaughed as I all of sudden stood next to you.

Mindlessly, I felt my intuition grounded. I sat cross-legged next to you and a calm peace settled with me. I knew I was welcomed.

I would pack a bowl alone, but made for two.

Talking to you honestly. About how I have no fucking clue.

I wish I could hear now all the stories, questions and confusion of life that I told you.

I had no idea you knew any of this.

No one did.

I did not know you heard me.

I did not know you were riding in my car.

I did not know you’d be with me still today.

Laughing, and smiling, and, encouraging my way.

My heart was destined to meet you. To this day, I can honestly say, you bring joy to my life. I hear you laughing and encouraging me to keep going, keep loving me and let this be a journey of purpose. I know you want to see me wild and free with my soul shining. I know my mojo slipped under the bottom of his shoe.

I am stronger with your energy. I am smiling with your contagious silly energy and excitement. I am able to dream and pursue passion with your encouraging spirit, happiness, and faith of connection beyond breath.

Death knew when to fold em’, and death would not be out run.

The only cards death never dealt; forever, never, and end.

Death is the means to end, only, to those left behind.

I personally have experienced contentment and guidance from Nick's presence that seems far from death. It is very much alive. I was still 16 when a medium saw Nick in my room. She told all the times I went to visit him; she told me things I hadn't said out loud. I became enthralled with her and visited her often with my curiosity in tow. For me, there is no denying his presence. Just last year, I met with Kate, she welcomed spirits only with my highest health and love at the core of their presence. She does not welcome negativity. She knew nothing about me I was thinking, and I walked to the door with Frank, my partner many times more than this life. Kate opened the door and for a second was awestruck to see an old friend, Frank. It all just seemed to serendipitous and comforting.

You were already there making her laugh and so excited this could actually be a way for me to know you are still right here. And the hour after that was unbelievable and a blessing...and every time is. It is a thing that personal experience can only explain.

I honor all different faiths, beliefs and experiences with respect. This is only my truth.

And love and health and wisdom remain very alive, even able to thrive. Death took your body, voice and Raiders sweatshirt....but it was far from the final game.

Thank you for riding shotgun . It's cool, I'll drive.